Raise your hand if you've been on a self-care journey, and find your energy getting drained a lot more quickly than it use to.
I have asked myself repeatedly why I find myself more exhausted than I use to, despite being physically healthier. It makes no sense!
Except...it makes perfect sense.
Before you started your self-care journey, you were ok running on cortisol. You were ok being depleted and fueled by the fear of letting someone down. It was high-functioning anxiety keeping you going.
Then one day, you realized it wasn't sustainable. Maybe you developed autoimmunity. Maybe it was yoga or meditation that made you see the light, but once you decided to exit the cortisol train, there was no going back.
But it's not that easy.
Your family still expects you to cook Christmas dinner for thirty people despite having small children and mental health issues. Your boss is accustomed to you doing the jobs of three people (without the extra pay). Your parents expect you to visit twice a year, which leaves you with no time or money to travel anywhere that you want to go. The list goes on and on.
The harsh truth? You've trained these people's expectations.
They depend on you because they can; because you've been so afraid to let them down that you've kept showing up in big ways for them rather than protect your own energy.
I know, because I was there. I did it for YEARS.
I made one Pinterest-worthy holiday meal, so now they ALL have to be that good. I said yes when my guests asked if they could "bring a few extra people." I showed up to every wedding and baby shower and holiday party with a handmade gift, a covered dish, and a smile. But inside, I was dying. I was showing up because if I didn't people would talk.
You know the type: "Oh, so-and-so didn't show up again, she thinks she's too good for us." If they say that shit to you, they'll say it about you.
Then one day, I broke.
I realized that keeping up appearances was far more harmful than whatever petty BS people had to say about me. So I started turning down invitations, taking time to care for my physical health, and keeping my energy reserves for the people who actually care about me: my husband, kids, and close friends.
My new rule: I only say yes if it's authentic. No more obligatory energy in my commitments.
At first, it's kinda tricky. You've already committed to so many things, and you don't want to break those commitments. But you have to throw a wrench in the gears at SOME point, or you'll never get off the people-pleasing hamster wheel.
Start by eliminating the things that you've committed to that won't cause an excess burden if you don't participate.
That baby shower where you don't know anyone? "Sorry, I can't make it, but please give me an address where I can have a gift shipped." The baby shower will go on without you, I promise.
There are some commitments you can't get out of without causing undue stress on someone else, so you need to follow through on those. If I've promised to watch my bestie's kids, you bet your ass I'm following through, because she would do the same for me. And she'll be the most understanding if I don't follow through on smaller commitments.
Once you make a commitment to yourself, it's easy to stop making commitments to other people. And once you get a reputation as a person who is no longer a doormat, folks will stop asking you. While this seems daunting ("they'll never talk to me again!"), it's actually very liberating. If they quit talking to you after you set boundaries, then they were in your life for the wrong reasons, anyway.
"There's no such things as one-sided liberation." -Glennon Doyle
Often, people who expect us to overcommit are often overcommitters themselves. By saying "no," you are piling more on their plate. And setting boundaries with them will absolutely activate their fight-or-flight mode.
It will hurt their feelings.
They are chronic overcommiters who feel like they're doing what they're "suppose to" by always saying yes. And when they see you saying "no" without consequence, it will trigger them.
It's just like when you're in traffic and someone cuts you off and you think "oh they'll get what's coming to them." It makes you feel better about the fact that they drive like a jerk and nobody stops them. If you saw them getting a ticket down the road, you'd feel so smug, right?!
It's the same thing any time you do something that's against the grain of polite society: people who are being "good" wives/mothers/sisters/friends want to see their own lives made better (or your life made worse) because they followed the "rules" and you didn't.
Don't let their insecurities stop you from sticking to your boundaries. Yes, you are inconveniencing them. But if you give in, you're telling them (and yourself) that "I'm not worthy of honoring my commitments to myself, so I can't expect you to honor them either." Then you end up giving out inauthentic yeses and harboring resentment toward people who make you feel used and cheap.
When someone asks you to overcommit, remember that it's best to say no in a way that honors their request while also setting a firm boundary.
This means saying no without giving a detailed explanation. Giving too much information will only send the message that "This is open to negotiation."
Here are ten ways to say no to someone without leaving them feeling resentful or you feeling guilty:
Sadly, I have something else going on.
I have another commitment, but thanks for asking!
I wish I were able to.
I’m afraid I can’t. Maybe next time!
I don't have the bandwidth for that right now, but please feel free to ask again next time!
I’m honored you asked me, but I simply can’t.
Thanks for thinking of me. However, I’m not able to.
I’m not able to fit this in.
Unfortunately, I already have plans. Maybe next time!
No, thank you, but it sounds lovely.
People respond to"no" a lot better when it's said with both warmth and competence.
And remember, there's no need to explain! Your "other plans" might be scheduling time to decompress at home, and that's FINE. They don't need details.
Remember: every time you accept an invitation that will zap your energy, you're turning down an invitation deeply connect with the people you treasure most.
If you love this article, don't forget to pin it, and leave a comment with what you're doing to stop overcommitting!
Comments